It wasn't so long ago I was sitting at the window of my living room, drinking strong and sweet tea and wondering when I was going to get married.
Now here I am, only this time I am sitting on a bed, drinking strong and sweet tea, dealing with the fact I will not be getting married. At least, not in the near future.
The circumstances that led me to this point are no-one's business but my own. The decline of my mental health, on the other hand, I want to share.
I am a fairly private person. I don't tell people that I am depressed. I don't tell people I suffer from anxiety. I still believe there are stigma and prejudices attached to these conditions. I have had conversations with people who do not understand what being depressed means, those who do not understand the behaviours that I sometimes exhibit are an illness. I am in a position of people management at work, which means I deal with their issues, not my own. I like this. I like to focus on making other people's lives better, more fulfilled. I like to see others improve and succeed, even when I am having a 'bad' day. A bad day for me can mean that I want to hide in my office and speak to no-one. It can be nausea resulting from the anti-depressants that means I skip lunch and feel lethargic most of the day. It can be exhaustion after a night of constant tossing and turning, attempts to switch off my mind having failed.
I consider myself lucky in that although I have had various periods of anxiety and depression flare-ups, I am mostly able to function when I need to. This doesn't mean I find it easy. It's an everyday battle I have, assuring myself I am capable, then finding many reasons to disprove this. It's having small breakthroughs where I do a good job and know I have, only for a mistake elsewhere to unravel all my hard work.
But it is what it is. I won't be stuck here forever. Things will get easier, I am told. I believe it too. As much as my life is in flux at the moment, I am beginning to see signs of stability. It's like watching the days grow longer after a cold and miserable winter. All these tiny things reassure me that I am on a journey, not at a destination.
I hope this blog benefits even just one person, reassures them that they are not -- are never -- alone.
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