Anti Depressants: A Diary of Words

It wasn't so long ago I was sitting at the window of my living room, drinking strong and sweet tea and wondering when I was going to get married.

Now here I am, only this time I am sitting on a bed, drinking strong and sweet tea, dealing with the fact I will not be getting married. At least, not in the near future.

The circumstances that led me to this point are no-one's business but my own. The decline of my mental health, on the other hand, I want to share.

I am a fairly private person. I don't tell people that I am depressed. I don't tell people I suffer from anxiety. I still believe there are stigma and prejudices attached to these conditions. I have had conversations with people who do not understand what being depressed means, those who do not understand the behaviours that I sometimes exhibit are an illness. I am in a position of people management at work, which means I deal with their issues, not my own. I like this. I like to focus on making other people's lives better, more fulfilled. I like to see others improve and succeed, even when I am having a 'bad' day. A bad day for me can mean that I want to hide in my office and speak to no-one. It can be nausea resulting from the anti-depressants that means I skip lunch and feel lethargic most of the day. It can be exhaustion after a night of constant tossing and turning, attempts to switch off my mind having failed.

I consider myself lucky in that although I have had various periods of anxiety and depression flare-ups, I am mostly able to function when I need to. This doesn't mean I find it easy. It's an everyday battle I have, assuring myself I am capable, then finding many reasons to disprove this. It's having small breakthroughs where I do a good job and know I have, only for a mistake elsewhere to unravel all my hard work.

But it is what it is. I won't be stuck here forever. Things will get easier, I am told. I believe it too. As much as my life is in flux at the moment, I am beginning to see signs of stability. It's like watching the days grow longer after a cold and miserable winter. All these tiny things reassure me that I am on a journey, not at a destination.

I hope this blog benefits even just one person, reassures them that they are not -- are never -- alone.

Homemade Costa-style black forest hot chocolate

There's so much I love about winter: big jumpers, tartan scarves, ice skating, Christmas tree chocolates, novelty shaped shortbred tins, Ugg boots (yes I know, but they are so warm!), Christmas decorations, 3 for 2 gift offers in Boots where I inevitably end up wanting to keep half the purchases for myself....and, the best thing of all, HOT CHOCOLATE.

Costa's black forest hot chocolate is probably one of my favourite things. Ever. But my nearest Costa isn't easily accessible, and seeing as it's not acceptable to sit in my nearest branch dressed in a Pikachu onesie, making it at home seems a better idea!

If you're like me and can't wait until Costa bring out their winter menu, why not try this homemade version instead? Here's what you'll need:

Good quality hot chocolate powder (I use Green and Black's organic)
Milk (whole is lovely but a bit sickly for me at times; semi-skimmed is fine too!)
Monin blackberry syrup
Monin cherry syrup
Squirty cream (is that it's proper name?!) or whipping cream, if you can be bothered to whip it up!

1. Measure out the correct amount of drinking powder according to the instructions.
2. Measure out Monin blackberry syrup (I find for a standard 250ml size hot chocolate, 3 - 4 tsps* give a good flavour) and mix with the drinking powder.
3. Heat the milk. I use my coffee machine's frothing wand, and this really does make a difference in my opinion! If you can, froth the milk in this way, or with a handheld frother.
4. Stir in a little of the milk, then gradually pour the rest, stirring as you go, until the drinking powder has fully dissolved.
5. Top with some cream and 1 tsp of Monin cherry syrup.

*You might want to start off with 2tsps and when you've finished step 4, taste and add extra until you get the intensity you want.


Yes, buying two bottles of monin syrup can set you back £15+, but the bottles are massive and will last a while (unless you're like me and become addicted).

If you've tried this or have your own version, please leave a comment!

Now, I'm wishing it was bed time because just writing about hot chocolate is making me crave one!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Protein Shake Recipe

When you're exercising within an inch of your life and scrupulously calorie-counting everything down to a Ritz cracker on My Fitness Pal, it can be difficult to avoid temptation at times. Especially...CHOCOLATE.

One afternoon after a good treadmill run, coupled with a ferocious bout of PMS, I thought to myself: God, I could murder a bar of Galaxy. And not just a bar, oh no. One of those family-size ones that are supposedly good for 'sharing', which you then buy, walking around Sainsbury's trying to play it cool and look as if you are buying it because you intend to share it with someone that isn't you, but secretly you intend to eat the whole thing in one sitting (probably while watching Judge Rinder) and before you know it you're at the self serve (looking a cashier in the eye is too shameful) and hiding your contraband under a bag of apples like you would a packet of condoms or thrush cream....*

Anyway - here's a quick recipe for a Protein-fuelled, filling shake you can make at home. I used a Nutribullet to combine the ingredients, but any blender will do just fine. Just make sure yours can handle frozen food/ice if you want to go down that route!

P.S I will calculate the calories and nutritional information soon.

Choconutty Protein Shake

Ingredients:
1.5 tsp good unsweetened cocoa (I used Green and Black's organic cocoa powder)
1 tbsp nut butter (cashew butter is lovely but you can opt for your favourite)
1 tsp honey
1 scoop/serving of your favourite protein powder (I use unflavoured whey isolate which works fine)
1 banana (you can freeze it if you prefer your shake cold)
Approx 80-120ml almond milk (depends how thick want it! Add a bit at a time if you're unsure)
Optional: couple of ice cubes if you fancy your shake a bit cooler and haven't had ample banana-freezing time

Trust me, it tastes good. It immediately satisfied my craving for chocolate and was far more nutritious and filling than a block of Dairy Milk.

Any thoughts?

* Just to note, I'm taking the piss. I eat a balanced, healthy diet but I also love chocolate. And cake. And wine. And that's okay!

2015 bucket list

This year I want to do a few things, either with someone, or alone. I don't mind. A bit of a mixed bag: some will be easy enough to achieve, some are other vague  (but measurable enough), others will take far more time/money.

Anyway, so far my rough ideas (will be updated when more things come to mind):

1. I want to try oysters again (with champagne obviously)

2. Visit the U.S

3. Practice piano more

4. Go to the theatre
5. Pole exercise (getting back into it)
6. Sew something or knit...something

So much for photos...

I had originally planned to keep a photographic record of the various plants I own as they develop. I do have some disjointed photos on my phone, however that's about as far as I've committed thus far. I *will* upload them, at some point. Unfortunately a combination of work and Uni have gotten in the way (I'm gearing up to dissertation time so that is preoccupying a lot of my mind at the moment).

I did note one day last week when I left for work and noticed the strawberry plants were strangely flat, as if someone had dropped something on them. I was quite annoyed (bloody upstairs neighbours, I thought) and that evening watered them in a vain attempt to resuscitate them. Well, the next morning I peered outside and was shocked to see them bolt upright! My first thought was 'viagra' which I then felt disgusted with myself for thinking. Anyway, they're thriving once again and all I can think of is that I had probably forgotten to water them for a couple of days and the lack of rain (but also lack of sunshine) meant they were feeling a bit...droopy, I suppose.

In fact there's over twenty-something flowers either budding, opening or turning into strawberries at the moment, which is exciting. Around three or four are definitely well on their way and even the tomato plant, which seemed to do nothing but grow and grow and grow all over the place, has gained some little yellow flowers. Fresh, sweet tomatoes are one of my vices and so I know that for all the hard work growing them, they will last all of two seconds.

Patio Gardening

One annoying thing about living in London is that there aren't many flats to rent with a garden; or at least a garden you can actually garden in. I am one of those many unlucky ones. However recently I began to read about patio gardening and realised that I didn't need that much space in which to grow a few choice plants and produce.

To date I have the following, at various stages of growth:

*Herb trough with mature fennel fronds, mint, flat leaf parsley and mint; a pot with mature mint (though it needs rescuing, seems dormant and deteriorating); parsley pot (grown from seed - one has just sprouted its very first (very miniscule) parsley leaf!; tomatoes (from seed - no visible germination as of yet); pot of red peppers (also from seed, also no visible germination yet - mostly Chris's domain); salad leaf (from seed, currently sprouting first true leaves); strawberry plants (cheated and bought young plants - currently sprouting...something or other. Look promising...I think).

I will post photos after dinner. Who knee being an adult was so frigging stressful. I have hardly relaxed (except napping) since work, and I was up at 4.30am this morning.

1. Hello

I created this blog to share some of my favourite healthy recipes (and a couple of my own...'mixtures'), post photographs of London (maybe some of Scotland also) and some links to events and opportunities in SE London that I think are worth exploring. So it's a bit of a mixture really...but I hope you find at least *something* useful.

NB: All views on here are my own and not necessarily those of any organisations/individuals mentioned.